The Speak About It Guide to Speaking About Porn

Be sure to check out our #hotgoss episode, Porn Part 2, where we’re joined by intern Sophie Gore for a great conversation about how to have conversations about porn with friends and partners.

Porn is complicated! We’re not anti-porn by any means, but that also doesn’t mean that all porn gets our (or anyone’s!) blanket stamp of approval. Figuring out your own relationship and feelings about porn is all about weighing your comfort level, looking at how the porn you’re watching is made and what messages it sends to viewers, and then learning how to comfortably speak about porn with friends and partners.

There’s a whole lot of porn out there that doesn’t depict consensual or healthy sex in ways that we think offer templates for healthy sexuality. Lots of porn depicts violence, transphobia, misogyny, and racism, and does so in ways that deeply impact people’s perceptions of sex. These images leave an impact, even if people think they don’t!

As such, one of our favorite things to share about porn is Scarleteen’s Bare Bodies: Reality Checking Mainstream Porn, which we highly recommend anyone of any age read so you can make informed decisions about porn. (Part 2 goes into detail about different sex acts and scenes, so click those links and get reading!)

Whatever your morals or opinions are about porn, it’s out there, easily accessible, and people need the tools to navigate their relationship with it. We especially love this quote from Jiz Lee, founder of the CrashPad series: “In the absence of comprehensive sex education, people use porn to learn about sex…But a limited example of what porn is has the danger in dictating what’s ‘normal’, raising issues in our understanding of sexual health, and also our sexual psyche. Diversity in porn lets us find ourself in the erotic landscape, proving we are ALL capable and deserving of love.”

Whether or not you think you are: you’re learning from all the media you watch from Netflix to PornHub to IGTV. Might as well find the stuff that’s going to make you and your partners happy and healthy, right?

So here’s some tips for learning and talking about sexy content!

• There’s no shame in watching porn. And there’s no shame in not watching it either.  A lot of people think that watching porn is reserved for lonely, single people. Or that watching porn is just for horny teenage boys. But that just simply isn’t true! Porn and other erotic content and media can serve a lot of different purposes for people of all genders, people who are sexually active or not, and in relationships of all kinds. Some people learn about what they like or don’t from porn, others use it to get in the mood. Some people like watching porn with a partner, while others find it’s more of a solo-sexy time activity. Porn can take on different functions at different times in your life and sexual development.
  
  There’s no shame in watching porn! Also if porn isn’t your thing, that’s also totally normal too. One of the few hard-and-fast rules of sexuality (pun intended) is that everyone’s sexual desires are different.
  

• But you gotta talk about it! Whether or not you watch porn regularly, if you have questions about the kinds of porn you watch, or if you’re curious about your partners’ relationship with porn...speak about it.
  
  It’s really important to have an open and honest dialogue about the kinds of things that turn us on. Porn can be a good way to approach a conversation about a desire, kink, or even just a move you haven’t tried before. 
  
  It’s important to approach conversations about porn and sexual media without judgement, while also being open to meeting each other’s needs. For example, you may think it’s totally fine to watch porn and masturbate, whereas it makes your partner feel uncomfortable and unsexy. How can you both get to a place where you can express yourself sexually, while making sure that everyone feels safe, supported, desired, and heard? Or, maybe you subscribe to a bunch of steamy OnlyFans, and that makes your partner feel self-conscious or betrayed. How can you get to a place where you both can feel validated and able to express desire personally and with each other? There’s no one-size-fits-all-solution, and your comfort level may change over time, but you gotta talk about it!
  

• Do your research. (And share what you find!)
  A lot of mainstream porn is a product of an industry that perpetuates harmful messages about sex, gender, and race. It’s also an industry that doesn’t have a great track record of treating actors, especially women, trans, and BIPOC actors, ethically or equitably. As such, we always recommend you pay for porn, and do your research on what you’re watching.
  
  Sometimes people think they can circumvent the problems with mainstream porn by watching free, amateur pornography instead. We get it, it can be sexy to see two “real-life” people getting it on. But it’s important to know that not all amateur pornography is what it appears to be. Keep these things in mind:

  • All people in porn are “real-life” whether they are professional actors or amateur couples having a good time.

  • A lot of the ‘amateur’ stuff is just as staged as porn that looks like its made by pros. Especially because studios have learned that amateur porn is popular, they’re capitalizing on this desire too.

  • A significant percentage of free amateur porn is put on the internet or shared without the consent of either or both parties involved.

  • Most free, mainstream amateur content is not regulated and usually unpaid. This lack of safety and regulation is actually part of the reason why PornHub recently eliminated non-verified user content.)

We know it might seem like a buzzkill to tell you to do your homework, but….do your homework! If you spend a little time inspecting your desire and sourcing your sexual content from a place that works hard not to hurt the people making it, you’ll feel a lot better. Think about it like eating a delicious and lovingly prepared meal at a great restaurant that you trust. It tastes and feels that much better! Share these thoughts and findings with your partner and friends. Knowledge is power, and knowledge is sexy! 

• There are pros and cons to sexting and making your own sexy content and media.
  We aren’t here to judge what you want to do with your body, your iPhone, or your partner. People sext, create sexual and erotic media, or make their own pornographic content for all sorts of reasons, personal or professional. You might want to send a steamy video to your partner. You might enjoy sharing pole-dancing tips on Instagram. You might monetize some sexy modeling shots on Patreon. These activities might be fun, or empowering, or they might just pay the bills.
  
  Regardless of what you’re doing, it’s important to remember that there are pros and cons to any sexual content and digital media. Safety, is a big concern. And legality: if you’re underage, producing explicit content of any kind is illegal. And, at any age, if someone is coercing, forcing, or pressuring you to make, take, send, or watch explicit content that is not just illegal or immoral for someone to perpetrate, it’s assault. If this is an experience you have had, contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline.

  In terms of making your own content: You have to assume that anything posted on the internet is public, even if it’s on a protected website or shared in your DMs. So for folks creating amateur content, it’s important to stop and think: who might be seeing this that I might not know about? What might happen if this leaves the hands of someone I trust? How do I know I trust the person seeing this? That doesn’t mean don’t post. It’s just important to think about, and even discuss with others, the implication of posting.

  We want to live in a world where people are not shamed for expressing their sexuality in person or online. Unfortunately, we’re not quite there yet. So while, we work on a more open and liberated culture, keep your safety in mind!

  Safety also means emotional safety: It might feel amazing to be getting validation from your newfound TikTok burlesque fame, but make sure you’re checking in with yourself and setting boundaries that feel right for you.

• Don’t be an asshole! This is generally good life advice, and it is also great advice when it when interacting with or consuming porn, erotic content or media too. Don’t badger a partner or coerce them into watching or making porn. Don’t shame a partner or friend for the kind of porn they do or don’t like. Likewise, as a viewer remember: the person you’re watching is still a person. They may be creating content to turn people on, but they don’t exist exclusively for your own arousal. Treat them as human, in your brain, online, and in IRL.

• Consent! There are so many different nuanced consent conversations to be had around consent and porn and sexual media. Here are some scenarios that you might not immediately think of where consent and communication around porn is super important. 

  • You and your partner have great conversations about the kinky porn you watch, and you wanna take that off screen. Remember.. ..consent! Just because your partner consented to watching a certain type of porn, doesn’t mean they are ready to try those moves on in real life. Go slow, be intentional, and ask first! 

  • We’ve had a few people ask: Can I look at my friends’ OnlyFans page or would that be weird? Here’s the thing...no one can tell you how your friend will feel about that except your friend. Get consent! Think about your relationship with them, and ask before subscribing. Maybe you’re just subscribing to support their work, but maybe your friend doesn’t want to be seen by you in a sexual context. Give them the opportunity to say no thank you!

  • Think about who may be impacted by the porn you watch. Do you share a wall with a neighbor? An apartment with your boyfriend? WiFi with your parents? Maybe you need to have a conversation with yourself and even those folks about what’s appropriate, when, and how to be safe, responsible, and sex positive.

At the end of the day, the healthiest way to have a healthy relationship with porn is to speak about it with yourself and with others!

Got more questions! Send them our way at info@wespeakaboutit.org.