Sex Driver’s Ed
or The Stuff They Don't Teach You About Libido in Health Class
This week on #hotgoss, we welcomed University of Vermont Health and Wellness Educator, Jenna Emerson as our special guest. A graduate of Widener College's Human Sexuality program and the star of a one-woman sex ed cabaret, she was the perfect guest to help demystify libido in a fun and sexy way. Watch the full episode here, and read on to learn more about sex drive!
So what is sex drive anyway?
Despite what Cosmo, pharmaceutical companies, or literally anyone who’s trying to sell you anything will try and tell you: sex drive...isn’t really a thing.
Yes, we all want sex, sexual pleasure, or sexual activity in different ways or amounts. (And for some of us, very little at all.). But our appetite or desire for sex isn’t necessarily a drive, at least biologically speaking. Drives are impulses that motivate us to pursue activities necessary for survival. So, when your stomach rumbles, that’s a physical response to hunger to motivate you to eat. But, to quote the person who wrote the literal book on this stuff, “You’re not going to die if you don’t have sex,” says Emily Nagoski, PhD and author of Come As You Are.
That said, while sex drive isn’t a true biological need, we do still have differing appetites and relationships to sex and the kind of sex we want to have. For the purpose of this blog post, we’ll be using the term ‘sex drive’ as a stand-in to describe sexual desire, willingness, appetite, or wants. So, let’s dive in, and talk a little more about how desire actually works!
First things first, remember: You are normal!
Often we think there is only one way to have a ‘healthy’ or ‘normal’ libido or sex drive. And that’s just not true! Many people assume that we fall into either one of two categories when it comes to appetite for sex: high or low. Popular media often values or prioritizes higher sex drive as being better, while pathologizing lower sex drive. Worse still, there are many popularly held assumptions and stereotypes about sex drive drawn along lines of gender, race, or sexuality. That can be super damaging to our sexual identities and development. And if there's one thing we're sure of: sexual shame is total buzzkill.
We often think of sex drive as a constant, at-random hunger for sex. If we have a healthy, functioning libido we should want sex all the time, whenever the opportunity presents itself, right? Not so much! In the same way that there are lots of ways to be sexually active, there are also many ways to feel sexual desire.
The common narrative about sex drive usually goes like this: ‘see something sexy, get in the mood’. Sexologists refer to this pattern as spontaneous desire. But only about 70% of cis-men, and 30% of cis-women report feeling this kind of sexual urge. A much larger percentage of women and a significant chunk of men report a common, but less talked about form of desire: responsive desire.
Responsive desire is more context specific. It means we need to be presented with the option for sexual intimacy, want to engage in it, and then become aroused in response to physical or sexual activity. What many might see as 'low sex drive' is actually just a different form of desire or arousal. Someone with responsive desire might just be waiting for the right time or physical cues. Regardless of whether your sex drive is spontaneous, responsive, or somewhere in between--it’s all normal.
The ‘right’ amount of desire for sex is one that makes you feel good, your partners feel good, and helps you lead a happy and functional day-to-day life. Think of sex drive like you think of a sweet tooth: People like sweets in different amounts. Some eat dessert every day, others prefer savory stuff. Just because your friend likes chocolate ice cream, doesn’t mean you have to. Some people only want sweets once they see a picture of a donut, others want sweets all the time, some might not know they wanted a brownie until they have a bite of that brownie. There’s no normal amount to like sweets--we’ve never judged someone for liking ice cream too much, or think that people of certain identities like certain cookies. It’s just sweets! And we should all have less judgement about sweets...and sex!
Okay, enough with the food metaphors...let’s talk more about driving metaphors!
Instead of thinking about sex drive as high=good, low=bad, Nagoski introduced a new framework for desire and pleasure: sexual brakes and accelerators. There are certain things that affect our ability to want sex or feel pleasure: ones that increase appetite and enjoyment are accelerators and those that slow these feelings down or inhibit them are brakes.
Certain factors or stimuli may be pressing your accelerator pedal or sexual brakes. Do you need to feel safe and cozy in order to get in the mood? A candle-lit bubble bath may push your accelerator and be just what you need to get you in the mood. Does a little mystery really rev the accelerator? Maybe you get more excited by a new partner or new sex toy. On the flip side, things like body image, physical pain, concern about pregnancy or STIs, mistrust of a partner, and numerous other factors might push someone’s brakes and make them less interested or able to enjoy sexual activity. Everyone has different things that press the brakes and accelerators, and part of exploring sexuality is learning what those things are.
The interplay of our brakes and accelerators during a sexual encounter control our desire and pleasure. Like Jenna said on our #hotgoss episode, “Think about it, if you have a car and your foot is on the brakes, even if you press the accelerator really hard you’re not gonna go anywhere.” The same thing is true for sex and pleasure: If you aren’t feeling comfortable, safe, or confident, your brakes are on. Even if arousing, accelerating stimuli are introduced, you might not be able to get in the mood. Maximizing desire and pleasure means figuring out how to lift the brakes so you can zoom-zoom-zoom to satisfaction.
In addition to different things accelerating or decelerating desire, people’s brakes and accelerators have different levels of sensitivity. For example, you might have super sensitive brakes which might cause you to experience difficulty getting in the mood if there are things in your context pushing those brakes down. Let’s say your partner is playing your favorite sexy song, but the room you’re in is too cold, and you’re tired, and you feel really full from the dinner you just ate. A different person, with a more active accelerator and less sensitive brakes might be able to overlook some of these contextual elements and still get it on. Neither person has a broken sex drive, their cars just work a little different.
You don’t need to change yourself. Change your context!
Reframing sexual desire in terms of brakes and accelerators can help you better understand your own sexuality. Here's a few tips for inspecting your desire and learning more about your own sexy engine. (Have you had enough of the car metaphors yet?)
Look within: We say this a lot, healthy sexuality takes self work. Think about the context of prior sexual encounters: when did you feel sexual desire and satisfaction? What factors were in place to make that so? Evaluate your circumstances in the present--are you stressed? Are you feeling supported? Valued? Desirable? What are ways you can increase the things that press your accelerators and decrease things that hit the brakes? What do you need to feel good?
Switch things up! Having trouble reigning in your desire? You don’t need to change, but maybe your context does! Try changing the time of day, your outfit, the lighting, or other contextual elements in your sexual routine and see how that affects your desire. Steal this strategy from a Speak About It friend: She and her boyfriend were having trouble getting in the mood. They’d be excited to see each other after work, but after catching up, cooking dinner, and watching a favorite show, all they wanted to do was go to sleep. So, they tried getting busy before they cooked dinner. And, surprise, when they weren’t wiped out, they had more energy for getting down with each other!
Have a conversation: If you are struggling with your sexual desire, it’s important to communicate that to a partner(s). This might a great opportunity to have a Pants-On (™) conversation. In the heat of the moment it can be hard for partners to communicate through feelings, but having a dialogue before you get into it can not only better address your concerns, but might even help lubricate (pun intended) the situation.
And, there’s nothing sexier than being a supportive partner, so listen with empathy and without judgement. As sex therapist Vanessa Marin says, it’s important to remember that just because a partner is having trouble getting turned on, doesn’t mean they don’t think you’re sexy. Conversely, just because a partner really wants to do it all the time, doesn’t mean they view you simply as a vehicle for their own sexual satisfaction. Desire is personal and complex, and speaking about it ensures you move forward in a healthy way.
Work on your own timeline: If we could snap our fingers and figure out the secret to our own sexual desires, trust us, we would! But navigating sexuality takes time. Be gentle with yourself, and don’t be afraid to go slow. And if you’re working with a partner who is struggling with their own brakes and accelerators, be generous and don’t pressure them to move faster than they are able.
Remember: You are normal. Everybody’s desire works differently. That’s why sex is fun!