We Need to Speak About How We Speak About Condoms
Stealthing is very scary and very real, but Speak About It has the tools to help eliminate it and provide a safer way forward.
A few weeks ago it started to appear in our news feeds. Stealthing, a new “sex trend," news sites were saying. Here in the Speak About It office, we tend to be at the front of these sorts of conversations, but this one took us by surprise. It sounded like some sneaky spy business.
Turns out, stealthing is sneaky business. But unlike actual spies, it is neither glamorous nor cool. We’re not alone in asserting, stealthing is sexual assault.
Stealthing describes the act of removing a condom during sex without a partner’s permission or knowledge. It’s not a new phenomenon, but the media picked up on the term after Yale Law student, Alexandra Brodsky, published a report detailing numerous victims’ experiences of stealthing and the disturbing number of men who promote it online.First-person interviews from the report construct a chilling narrative of this dangerous and harmful practice. Brodsky writes, “The practice puts partners at risk for unwanted pregnancies and sexually transmitted infections (STIs) and, survivors explain, it feels like a violation of trust and a denial of autonomy, not dissimilar to rape.” While Brodsky’s interviewees are all women, there are accounts of stealthing from the LGBTQ community as well.
Brodsky’s study is so powerful because it frames stealthing as an issue of consent. As TeenVogue expertly explains, “... just because someone consents to sex with a condom does not mean they are consenting to sex without a condom.” We agree, the same rules of consent that apply to physical sexual activity should also apply to condoms. For example, just because someone consents to making out with their shirt on, doesn’t mean they consent to taking their shirt off. If someone removes a partner’s shirt without asking, they’ve also removed their partner's ability to say yes or no. Likewise, in a stealthing situation, the wearer of a condom is taking away their partner’s ability to consent.
Experts say that while stealthing is not necessarily a new practice, naming it and promoting it online are new. But Brodsky argues that finally giving a name to the act allows survivors to explain what happened to them and, if they want, to label their experience as assault. In naming stealthing, we can legislate against it. And we can eliminate it.
So, what can we do?
Here at Speak About It, we’re not lawyers and we suspect you probably aren’t either. But we can do something about stealthing. Let’s name stealthing for what it is, and then talk about how to prevent it. Speak About It can provide the tools to have this conversation.
Let’s name stealthing for what it is, and then talk about how to prevent it.
Stealthing highlights the fact that a simple “Yes or no” understanding of consent doesn’t work. Instead, we model affirmative consent in our programs and insist that consent is an ongoing conversation; you have to ask for consent every step of the way. This includes choosing when to use condoms or not. If you and your partner agree to use a condom, continuing to do so throughout the sexual act ensures that you’re respecting your partner's stated boundaries. Failing to do so puts another person at risk for things like STIs or unwanted pregnancy, a risk they did not initially agree to take. At the the end of the day, if partners can’t agree on condom use, sexual activity should be off the table.
Let’s speak about...Coercion.
In addition to stealthing, it’s important to look at how the overall cultural conversation around condoms can be disempowering and coercive instead of affirmative.
The media conversation around stealthing has virtually ignored how condoms are popularly discussed. While the initial spread of the practice may have been promoted by message boards online, the prevalence of stealthing may also be influenced by how young people, especially young men, perceive condoms in the first place. Condoms have a bad reputation. Even articles that try to convince more people to wear condoms still characterize it like a chore.
But respecting a partner's boundaries about condoms isn’t a chore; it’s the right thing to do. And it feels great.
It can be hard to find the words to ask to use a condom. This account from the Guardian feels all too familiar. ‘It wasn't that anyone I spoke to didn't know how to use condoms...it was that they didn't feel they had the language to talk about them. Gina said she felt unable to bring up the topic: "I'm unable to ask, or stop someone when they have gone that far."’ It is therefore essential for partners to create an environment for each other where they feel safe, comfortable, and respected enough to ask to use protection if desired.
But respecting a partner's boundaries about condoms isn’t a chore; it’s the right thing to do. And it feels great.
Talking a partner out of using a condom—by complaining about how it doesn’t “feel as good,” or “kills the mood” or by any other means—is not an honest way to talk about condoms, either. It’s coercion. It centers one person’s pleasure over anothers and ignores what the other person wants. If someone has to convince their partner to have sex without a condom, they’re not truly getting consent.
Let’s clear some things up first.
First of all, let’s dispel some myths about condoms. You may have heard that condoms decrease sensation, however, more and more studies are finding this is not so much the case. An Indiana University report found that a majority of men surveyed noticed no difference between sex with and without a condom. The few that did were significantly younger and reported that they felt more insecure and less sexually experienced. The study begs the question---are condoms killing the mood, or is inexperience?
Regardless of sexual history, from first-time lovers to more experienced folks, clear communication and understanding between partners is the best recipe for success. And, despite what the internet might tell us, condoms can be a huge part of a pleasurable sexual relationship. There are lots of options for condoms, with different brands, sizes, and lubes to help increase pleasure. Plus, if partners feel safe, listened to, and respected, the experience is going to feel a lot better for everyone involved. So condoms, in many cases, may be the key to more pleasurable sex, not less.
Let’s change the conversation.
Speak About It seeks to change the conversation a community has around sex and sexual assault, and that includes stealthing. As Brodsky says, putting a name to the practice can, “...create ways for people to talk about what is a really common experience that just is too often dismissed as just 'bad sex' instead of 'violence.”
The first step to changing a culture is to change the conversation. Talking to friends and partners affirmatively about condom use improves their existing reputation. Finding an agreement about how and when to use condoms with a partner, and then respecting those agreements changes the conversation about condoms in and out of the bedroom. All of this leads to healthier relationships and a world where stealthing is no longer a reality.
So whether or not you decide to use condoms, have a conversation with your partner about protection, and listen and respect what they have to say. It’ll feel great for both of you.